Healthy/Unhealthy
Relationships
Let’s start out
discussing relationships in general. Throughout our lives, we
are involved with many different kinds of relationships. We have
friendships, romances, work and school-related connections,
familial ties, and, quite often, relations that defy
categorization. Each of these situations has the potential to
enrich us, adding to our feelings of self-worth, enjoyment, and
growth. On the other hand, in other situations, we may find
ourselves feeling uncomfortable. It can be difficult to come to
the realization that a lover, friend, colleague, or family
member is not treating us with the respect we deserve. Keep in
mind that in all kinds of kinships, there is likely to be some
disagreement, need for compromise, and times of frustration.
These alone do not necessarily indicate that a relationship is
unhealthy. Here are some things to think about when considering
whether a particular bond is a healthy one or not:
In a healthy
relationship, you:
Treat each other with respect.
Feel secure and comfortable.
Are not violent with each other.
Can resolve conflicts satisfactorily.
Enjoy the time you spend together.
Support one another.
Take interest in one another’s lives: health,
family, work, etc.
Have privacy in the relationship.
Can trust each other.
Are each sexual by choice.
Communicate clearly and openly.
Have letters, phone calls, and e-mail that
are your own.
Make healthy decisions about alcohol or other
drugs.
Encourage other friendships.
Are honest about your past and present sexual
activity if the relationship is intimate.
Know that most people in your life are happy
about the relationship.
Have more good times in the relationship than
bad.
In an unhealthy
relationship, one or both of you:
Try to control or manipulate the other.
Make the other feel bad about
her/himself .
Ridicule or call each other names.
Dictate how the other dresses.
Do not make time for each other.
Criticize the other’s friends.
Are afraid of the other’s temper.
Discourage the other from being close with
anyone else.
Ignore each other when one is speaking.
Are overly possessive or get jealous about
ordinary behavior.
Criticize or support others in criticizing
people with your gender, race, ethnicity,
sexual orientation, religion,
disability, or other personal attribute.
Control the other’s money or other resources
(e.g., car).
Harm or threaten to harm children, family,
pets, or objects of personal value.
Push, grab, hit, punch, or throw objects.
Use physical force or threats to prevent the
other from leaving.
Sometimes it’s not so
easy to decide if a troublesome tie should be maintained the way
it is, worked on, or ended before it goes any further. One thing
to consider is if the relationship was ever different than it is
now. Is there something stressful happening that could be
impacting the way you interact? Maybe money is tight, you’ve
moved, are looking for work, are
dealing with a difficult family circumstance, or are going
through some other kind of transition. Or maybe there are
problems from a while back that were never resolved, and are now
resurfacing. What in particular is bothering you, and what would
you like to see change? Talk over these questions with each
other, or with someone you trust, like a friend, teacher, or
counselor. Think about what, if anything, you can each do to
make the other feel more comfortable in the relationship.
If a partner, friend, or
colleague is harming you or your loved ones physically,
emotionally, or sexually, it’s time to seek help. If s/he is
encouraging other harmful behaviors, like abuse of alcohol or
other drugs, unsafe sexual activity, or other activities that
make you feel uncomfortable, you have a right to leave. There
are a lot of resources available to help you. Perhaps the most
important thing to do is to trust your instincts and the people
close to you whose opinions you trust and value. Each and every
one of us deserves to feel safe, valued, and cared for. Keep in
mind that one of the strongest signs of a healthy relationship
is that both people involved feel good about themselves. Also,
by treating yourself with self-respect and believing in your
right to be treated well, you are taking important steps towards
developing equitable, mutually fulfilling ties in the future.
